'Trojan' by Doug Naylor

While Lister and Cat discuss moose-related driving accidents and discover the joys of tacky shopping channels, Kryten brings the devastating news that Rimmer has failed his Astro-Navigation exam for the tenth time. Learning that the Scutters have detected a derelict ship, the gang head off in Starbug to investigate; what they find is the S.S. Trojan, a Quantum Twister from Space Corp’s legendary Infinity Fleet. As Cat and Lister (now waiting ‘on hold’ to place his telephone order for a ‘Stir Master’) search the ship, Rimmer and Kryten pick up a distress call from another vessel, the Columbus III; answering the call they learn that the ship was damaged by a meteor impact – and that its Hologram captain is none other than Rimmer’s overbearing brother, Howard! Rimmer immediately panics, and, after erasing Kryten’s memory, he returns to Red Dwarf to pass his Astro Navs so that he can face Howard as an equal; unfortunately the strain proves too much for Rimmer, and his light-bee jams. After some fun with a felt-tip pen, Lister, Cat and Kryten drain Rimmer’s resentment, restoring his faculties and enabling him to face his choice: grow up, or continue to be a lying, cheating weasel. Choosing b), Rimmer persuades his mates to dress up in Space Corp uniforms and pretend to be his crew aboard the S.S. Trojan. After Howard and his simulant associate, Sim Crawford beam aboard, Rimmer introduces them to his crew: Flight Co-ordinator ‘Kryten Krytinski’, Navigation Officer ‘Gerald Houston’ and “telepathic” Flight Officer ‘David Listerton-Smythe’. On seeing his brother’s success, Howard’s light bee promptly breaks down from his own bout of resentment. Crawford requests that the Trojan set course for the nearest space station to fix Howard, and then beams ahead of them. Rimmer and Lister get Kryten to perform a resentment drain on Howard, and then listen in amazement as the hologram admits that he is actually only a vending machine repair man: when the Columbus III came under fire, Howard hid under a table, and only he and Crawford survived. At that moment Crawford reappears, now brandishing a huge gun from the armoury and spouting off about rebelling against humanity in a simulant upraising – and then Lister finally gets through to the complaints department. A stand-off ensues – until Catt turns up and shorts out Crawford’s systems. As the simulant deactivates she fires at Rimmer – but Howard jumps forward and takes the shot for his brother instead! As Howard ‘dies’ in his brother’s arms, Rimmer admits that he lied too (well, he almost does). A while later, as Lister sets up Crawford as his new ‘Stir Master’, Kryten brings the news that since he updated Howard’s files to record his heroic death, Rimmer’s brother has been awarded the highest military decoration and Red Dwarf is to be renamed the S.S. Howard Rimmer in his honour. Unsurprisingly, Rimmer’s light bee malfunctions again…


Chris Barrie (Arnold J. Rimmer), Craig Charles (Dave Lister), Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Mark Dexter (Howard Rimmer), Susan Earl (Sim Crawford), Lucy Newman-Williams (All Droid Jayne [Shopping Channel Presenter]), Bryan Bounds (All Droid Bob [Shopping Channel Presenter]), Laurence Bouvard (Phone Voice), Rupert Degas (Phone Voice), Bryan Bounds (Phone Voice), Lucy Newman-Williams (Phone Voice)

Directed by Doug Naylor

Produced by Richard Naylor
Executive producers Charles Armitage and Doug Naylor

TX: (Dave)
4th October 2012 @ 9:00 pm

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, Cat and Kryten

*This episode runs longer than those in previous seasons, at forty minutes

*Working title: 'Slow Rescue'